Growing Corn

People say to us, “This is not what dying usually looks like”.  That is true. However, it is possible that this is what death and dying can look like. 

We prove that every day. 

We walk this path of dying in a different sort of way.

 Our life together right now is full of joy and contentment. We have spent the last 20 yrs preparing for the parting that will take place in the near future. 

This includes taking care of personal business and ensuring that the other person will be strong enough to go on with their life.

We have been at the “practice of dying” for quite some time. This is a practice that is not easy. There are many people who have been, currently are in or will be in the situation of care taking.  It is a path filled with rocks and rivers, pits and perils and simply back breaking labor. 

 However, we have found that our path can be one that doesn’t kill our soul and our heart.

We have learned for ourselves that the practice of dying well is more about the practice of living well.

Today my husband is alive! He woke up! We can rejoice that we have more moments together! 

We talk together. 

We eat together. 

We do what we can together. 

Today we are alive together. 

The moment we step away from this acknowledgement of the life we have right here and right now, that moment has been killed. It is dead. It is a premature death. A death before the death.

I have said this before but it really is important so I repeat it often: 

“Don’t waste time”! 

This is not to say that we haven’t grieved. This is not to say we haven’t cried. We both have done our share of both. But, we don’t give it anymore time than we have to. 

We spend as much time as we can relishing those moments of alive time!  We turn our eyes to living and focus on life. 

Truly, there will come a time when all of this will disappear. What those who are still here will be left with is the memories and the intimate knowledge of how they handled the times both wonderful and difficult.

Michael and I have learned this way from many spiritual practices. I will write about them in future posts. However, the lessons we learned that have been the most helpful are these:

Be kind

Resolve issues in relationships. 

Give love and receive love. 

Let compassion rule your decisions. 

You will never regret being the bigger person.

Live life thoroughly and well. 

The following is a blog post that Michael wrote in his role of Soto Zen priest. There are many people who know him by his ordination name of Fudo.  He wrote this in 2005. It speaks to me today in a powerful way. It is a reminder that I have done this before and the way really did “grow corn”.

May 30, 2005

Growing Corn:  To those caring for an ill loved one.

My old Native American friend used to say a religion that did not grow

corn was useless. By this he meant a way that did not feed you when you

were hungry was not worth practicing.

There are many ways which will nourish the spirit when times are good,

but if the way does not help when times are difficult then it is not

worth playing with when times are good.

It is my contention that the "there is no you" philosophical woo woo

Zen, really does no good when your husband or wife is ill, perhaps not

to get better. I do not believe handing you a sutra book is enough.

I do think that focusing on this moment with your loved one does "grow

corn". Understanding the nature of impermanence does grow corn.

 Having a real life understanding of the nature of pain, and of suffering does

grown corn.

I know that when my father-in-law was suffering, eventually fatally,

from congestive heart failure, my wife found the way did grow corn. She

was able to look at what was happening with an eye of patience with

suffering. She was able to be aware that this was the moment that she

had to fix all the problems with her relationship with her father. She

even tried to get other people to finish all the business that was left

before he was gone. Others chose to believe that there was plenty of

time. 

I remember the day Anjin backed her father into a corner and told

him she wanted him to tell her he loved her. He gave the typical

father's response "You have to know I love you". She said "I know but I

still need to hear you say it." He paused for a moment then said the

short sentence that put so many doubts to rest and comforts her to this

day...it was something she needed to hear.

Death and illness are a part of life. There are things that need to be

taken care of and responsibilities that need to be discharged. What

sounded so easy in the beginning...the in sickness and in health

part.... is not so easy when its reality rears its ugly head. 

If you can stay in the moment, even though this moment appears to be heart breaking, I can say with confidence that what it will be is heart healing. 

If you take care of this moment, with compassion and dignity both for yourself

and for your loved one, it will be a source of great comfort in the

years to come.

No one wants to see a loved one suffer. No one wants to be handed a

great challenge. We all want an easy practice with nothing but warm

walks on the beach. The reality of a real relationship is that it is not

all walks on the beach. I, for one, would not wish to sacrifice a real

relationship for the dream of what could not possibly be.

Please, do not sacrifice one minute of this, even though this is not

what you would have wished for. When it is over, you will be glad you

were there through as much of it as you could take.

Remember not to beat yourself up for not being the perfect caregiver,

you are what you are...be what you are in this place and moment...even

if what you are is clumsy and bungling.

 Remember your spouse loves you for what you are. Rest when you need to rest. Take a break when you need a break. 

Eat when you are hungry sleep when you are tired is the old Zen axiom.

There are no real lessons learned when nothing difficult is happening.

This is a time of great challenge and growth, both for you and your

loved ones. No real compassion is developed until you are challenged to

be compassionate. No real strength is developed until our strength is

challenged. No real courage is required until there is something to

fear.

When my mother passed after decades of senile dementia, some of us were

glad her suffering was over. One of my brothers wanted his mother alive

even though she could not feed herself or would not want to live with no

ability to string two thoughts together. 

5 of the six of us came back for the funeral ....one did not. He was one of us who was glad her suffering was finally over, yet he could not face the idea of a funeral

for his mother. Funny, he was always like this. He did not come

home for our father's funeral either. He did not come to see her in the

home, he could not see her like that. 

He is not good with death, or illness, even though as a former Marine Captain who served in a couple of wars he is probably more familiar with them than most of the rest of us. I am sure he has attended more funerals and dealt with more death

than any of us. 

When it was this personal and intimate, it was too much. We understood. It is who he is. He should have been nothing else on that day. We love him for who he is, not for what we would like him to be.

Be who you are in this and all moments, Then the regrets and the suffering

will be as small as they can be...both for yourself and for your loved

one. If you can do this, the way will grow corn.

Be Well

Fudo